I was in the grocery store the other day and another customer and I both landed at the same spot in an aisle, needing something from the same shelf. I immediately said to that person, “Whoops, I’m so sorry!”, feeling like I did something wrong. But what exactly did I do to warrant an apology? Absolutely nothing. So why did I do that?

I started thinking about this very question, probably a little too much to be honest. And what I realized is that I say sorry ALL THE TIME. It just rolls off my tongue like nothing and half the time I don’t even think about it. So I ask again, why?

Historically, society has taught us (women especially) to be nice, polite, not take up too much space, stay quiet, tend to our womanly duties, whatever the hell those might be, yada yada. Now, we have obviously come leaps and bounds from these ridiculous standards, but I feel that bits and pieces remain. Hence, the reason we immediately feel the need to apologize – it’s like we are breaking a rule.

When I had the grocery aisle encounter, I was in someone’s way. I was taking up too much space, disabling someone else to do what they needed. I instantly felt bad. How dare I be the one who needed something. This may sound silly, but I find myself in these types of situations quite frequently. And now that I am aware of it, I want to make a conscious effort to stop.

This boils down to a learned behavior. Where I learned it, who knows. But I learned it. And it’s time to unlearn it, which takes time and effort. For starters, you can be damn sure I won’t be apologizing the next time I need the same thing off the shelf at the grocery store. A simple “pardon me” will do.

We apologize for so much. Our opinions. Our decisions. Our parenting techniques. Our beliefs. Our fatigue. Our frustrations. Our feelings. I could go on and on. And please take note that my list does not entail an actual reason to apologize. A mistake. An error in judgement. A snide remark. A deliberate attack. (For the record, please do apologize when you see fit to do so.) It’s as if we apologize so much when we don’t need to that when it’s actually warranted, it may not come off as sincere.

Back to unlearning this behavior, I have a few ideas on how to do this:

Catch yourself saying “I’m sorry”. If it is necessary, say it. If you can say something different, like “excuse me” or “go ahead, I’ll wait” or flat out nothing, then do so.
Realize that you never need to apologize for who you are. You are you and are entitled to your own opinions, decisions, beliefs, feelings. I’m right there with you in needing to realize this. I am a people pleaser to the nth degree and never want anyone to be upset with me. But realizing that if someone is upset with me because of the list above, that’s on them, NOT me.
Give yourself some grace. If you’re having a tough day, there’s no need to be sorry about it. If you’re tired, there’s no need to be sorry about it. If you need to just go to bed so the next day will start sooner, there’s no need to be sorry about it.

The apology bead is one we may not think about enough. But it certainly plays into the rest of the beads, perhaps not allowing them the space and color they need. Apologize when it’s necessary. Do not when it isn’t. Seems so black and white, but as we know, nothing is quite black and white these days.

Stay well, friends!

P.S. Sober January is quite tough, but we are still going strong on day 19! The Real Food Reset has been AMAZING - clean eating is life changing.