The Unknown Bead

Who knew Idina Menzel’s “Into the Unknown” from Disney’s Frozen II would end up being the perfect foreshadow to this ungodly year? Anyone? Anyone at all? Elsa apparently did. I actually saw this movie with my four-year-old in the movie theater. Remember those? Crazy that we could go to them less than six months ago. Seems like a different lifetime. At any rate, we seem to be deep “into the unknown” with no plans of going anywhere else remotely soon. And that really sucks.

The unknown and I do not get along. At all. Well, I do love surprises. But I usually spoil them because I find out or I’m dying to reveal. So, no we do not get along. I like to be in some sort of control, have some idea as to what is ahead, and therefore consider myself an exceptionally excellent planner. But obviously, we can’t plan everything. It’s the feeling that we can and do that keeps us sane.

This season of life, and I really am trying to look at this time as a season, is one big ball of heightened unknowns.  When will there be a COVID-19 vaccine? Who is going to be our next president? What is the next series I am going to watch on Netflix? When will bars open again? Will we have to wear masks forever?  Is Halloween cancelled? What if I get COVID-19? When will the constant hate come to an end? What is happening with Britney Spears? I just sneezed. Do I have COVID-19? Who in my family is dressing up as Santa this year since the real Santa is definitely staying up in the North Pole? And then there’s school. God bless all of us with school-aged children, those who are teachers, administrators, students themselves. I personally have a rising kindergartner. Do I send my kid to school? When is school going to start? Could we feasibly handle virtual learning? And the list goes on and on, entering any additional questions that fit into your current situation.

When faced with all of these thoughts, some are able to let it go (might as well throw in a reference to the first Frozen while I’m at it). I am not among those some. I get anxious and send myself into a tizzy and next thing I know my whole life is doomed. But thankfully, I am of a sound mind at the moment and would like to provide some advice and tips, some that was bestowed upon me and some of my own.

When panicking about the unknown, isn’t it so helpful when someone says, “don’t worry about things you can’t control?” Hell no. It’s like telling someone who is hyperventilating to “just breathe.” Ugh.  During one of my recent bouts with high anxiety due to all the mysteries of the world, a very wise someone turned this statement around to say “control what you can.” Okay. I can do that. I love control. It spoke to me. Specifically, what are some ways to break this down?

1.  Make a list of your unknowns. Actually write them out on a piece of paper or in a journal. Get them out of your head. There’s something about the act of physically writing things on paper that gives me more control.

2. Try ranking your unknowns, from least to most severe circumstances. This way, you’ll be able to unpack what is causing you the most distress in that moment.

3. Run through worst-case scenarios. Put it in some sort of flow chart if you have to, with boxes and arrows. Write out the unknown, and then all the things that can lead to the worst possible outcome of that unknown.  Doing this, once again, allows us a sense of control in choosing to work through it. And you might even see that what you thought was your most daunting unknown, in fact is not.

4. Give yourself a chunk of time each day, 10 minutes, 30 minutes max, to fixate on these unknowns. Allow yourself to worry about them. Allow yourself to feel what you need to feel about them. You are in control of the time in which you allot to them.

5. And then let it go. It takes practice. I am no pro. But I am working on it. [I also want to note that cases of anxiety and depression are at all-time highs right now. I take medication and see a psychiatrist to help me manage my mental health. Take care of and listen to yourself and know that there is no shame in doing the same.]

The unknown bead is a doozy for me. It’s ugly, has some rough edges. It’s not what draws me to the necklace, that’s for damn sure. I say this, however, as we are living in a very distorted version of reality. Everything is amplified right now. For those facing struggles with the unknown, I see you, I feel you, I am right there with you. Until next time, stay safe everyone.

The Pause Bead

Well, it’s been a minute. Actually, it’s been about 161,280 minutes since my last post, but who’s counting. Not so funny enough, we are still in the midst of a worldwide pandemic, experiencing shutdowns, some panic, a whole lot of unknown, and while people seemed to have found toilet paper, it still is one hot commodity that can’t be found everywhere. In addition, the devastation of eye-opening racial and social injustices, the current state of our economy, the varying degrees of information being thrown at us daily, and just the general feeling of unrest in the world, have made 2020 a year for the record books, that is for sure. Thus, I had to take a life “pause”.

With this pause came a flood of emotions, triggers, next to no alone time, lack of control, endless questions, and the list goes on. Like so many, my normally routinized and organized life got turned upside down, thrown sideways, and then hit by a bus. And sadly, things that once brought me peace and relaxation became daunting and overwhelming, one of those being writing.

So here I am, I guess you could say “back” to a certain degree, with my raw and honest feelings and thoughts. At the forefront of importance for myself and so many right now is self-care. Whether you’ve mastered it or it has gone out the window, I want to serve as the friendly reminder.

Looking back on those initial days and weeks following the announcement of the pandemic, I realized something major: this was extremely triggering for me. In a weird and unwanted way, it brought me back to right after the rape happened. Not knowing what to do with myself, extreme loss of control, sadness, anger, the difficult need to keep pushing forward, anxiety, then followed with bouts of depression. Only this time, I had two kids to care for. I did not exactly realize it at the time, but that is precisely what was happening.

I found myself wanting to sleep and shut it all out. I felt the anxiety brewing and the loss of control leaving me with that helpless pit at the bottom of my stomach. I started turning to things that were a comfort for me: food, mindless tv, alcohol, my bed.  Aside from the rape, I honestly cannot think of another time in my life that I have felt that level of distress. Nor could I have imagined ever getting to that point again. Silly me.

Enter the desperate need for self-care. The thing about self-care is that when it is put by the wayside, nobody gets the best version of me, including myself. Everyone and everything gets small pieces of me that are nowhere near 100%. Once I was able to hone in on what I was experiencing and identify my mental health state (thank you, years of therapy), I thankfully was able to start to figure out what I needed.

A large part of my self-care right now is spending time by myself. Whatever that may look like – exercising, scrolling Instagram, anything Netflix, taking a long shower and getting in my bed at 7pm, and I may have been known to sit in my car in the driveway. It’s not weird. I promise. Try it.

Everyone’s self-care is obviously going to look different. While some are yearning to be alone, others are yearning for social interaction. Some are essential workers; others are trying to work with kids at home. Some have lost their jobs; others are trying to stay afloat. Some are sick and have lost loved ones to this disease; others do not know anyone who has COVID-19. Some are venturing out in the world; others are still quarantined. Whatever your life looks like right now, do not forget to fill and continue to refill your tank. And don’t feel guilty about how you do it.

Adapting to this “new normal” is challenging, and unfortunately, I think it’s here to stay for quite some time. It’s okay to not be okay. I give you permission to take a pause. Whether it be a long pause, short pause, a daily pause, a 5-minute pause, take a pause. Choose something that fits your definition of self-care: call a friend, take a walk by yourself, color, scream into a pillow, plant some flowers, hide in your closet, eat dessert in your car (I’m telling you, just do it). Notice my suggestions do not include laundry, cleaning, dishes, any and all forms of housework. Unless that is your thing, then go for it.

2020 is certainly not the year I thought it would be. But we are over halfway there. And we will all get through it with a little self-love and a lot of pauses along the way.

The Perspective Bead

Holy shit. Pardon my French. I feel as though I have lived a lifetime since my last Beaded Survivor post. So here we are on St. Patrick’s Day, in the midst of a worldwide pandemic, pending shutdowns, widespread panic, a whole lot of unknown, and no toilet paper. Please note, however, that the Brooks family should be fine with regards to toilet paper. I typically stockpile it anyway. No need to worry about us on that front. But I digress.

I have gone through a complete whirlwind of emotions over the past week or so due to COVID-19. Everything from thinking everyone is insane to gathering a few extra things at the store to denial to panic to sadness to frustration then back to denial to shock to stockpiling all the things to high anxiety and this cycle on repeat. It is truly the weirdest time I have ever experienced in my life. It’s like we are living in this purgatory of wanting to continue living our lives but not knowing what is going to happen when we do.

And yes, we never really know what is going to happen in our lives. But this virus has taken that unknown to an entirely new level. Some are not worried at all, some just a smidge, some are in a decent state of fear, and some are in full-blown panic mode. Some are cautiously optimistic while others have chosen to self-quarantine. Some have tested positive, some are extremely high risk, some have it that don’t realize it, some sneeze and want to run to the doctor. Whichever category you fall into or perhaps you don’t fall into a category at all, nobody saw this coming. Well, maybe some did. But I sure as hell didn’t.

So how do we handle it all? I think it really depends on your perspective. This is a scary time. People are dying and the world is actively trying to play catch up. I am the first to admit that I hate feeling out of control. And I do right now. But I am trying to find the silver linings in this. And there are a few.

Let me caveat this by saying that my family is currently healthy, and I am so incredibly grateful for that. It pains me, however, that there are so many families who are not in the same position. To those families, I am constantly thinking of you and wishing you all the best.

As for the couple silver linings, the first is major. I honestly cannot think of another time where my little family of four has been home together for this amount of time and for the foreseeable future. There is beauty in this time as we are hunkering down and preparing for the worst. My husband is working from home, and we have pulled our kids from their preschools. When has that ever been the case? Never. I may and most likely will feel differently about this in the coming days and weeks. But for now, bring on the imaginations, creativity, make-believe, forts, pillow fights, and whatever else will get us through this time, all while trying to remain calm and make the best of it. We currently have a 6 foot airplane pool float blown up in my oldest son’s room. So there’s that.

A second silver lining: I don’t think our home will ever be more organized. When you’re limiting your exposure to the outside world, there is nothing better to do than organize. Am I right? To date, we have rearranged our playroom, cleaned out my husband’s closet, discovered many treasures hidden within our kitchen junk drawer, purged our garage, and evaluated what we actually need from the crap that stays on top of our fridge. Who knows what tomorrow will bring.

And the last lining I’ll touch on for now is that of a “forced” slow down. There is no school. No going into the office if you can work from home. No doctors’ appointments, unless 100% necessary. No weekend sports games. No sports to watch period. No important errands to run. No gatherings. No expected travel. We are literally being advised to stay home. There’s only so much organizing one can do. And granted, those that must work from home, must work. But god forbid we get to catch up on those books we’ve been wanting to read or not feel guilty for binge watching an entire season of Love is Blind or do puzzles or paint or nap. We are being “forced” to take care of ourselves, something we don’t do enough of.

Now for the perspective. Through these silver linings, I am reminded of just how fortunate I am and how much we take for granted. My kids are home with us. Furthermore, we have a safe home to live in. We have plenty of food and supplies to last us through a complete shutdown, whatever that may look like. My husband has the ability to work from home, with little to no fear of losing his job. To emphasize this point again, my family is healthy at this time and has no underlying health conditions causing them to need medical attention right now.  

The flip side of this, is the perspective of those not so fortunate. The hourly wage workers who have no choice but to continue going to work in order to get paid. And then in the event of a shutdown, the risk of not getting paid. Healthcare professionals who are tirelessly working around the clock to provide care the best they can. The children who may not have enough food because they are currently not attending school. Small business owners and all business owners for that matter. Our economy as a whole is taking a nosedive, leaving more uncertainty than I would argue ever before. Those who are already sick with another condition that may not receive the medical care they need because of the outrageous demand. Those who are otherwise perfectly healthy, have contracted this vicious virus, and died as a result. It’s all of these situations that put life into perspective. It forces us to take a step back and look at what really is important. And remind us that tomorrow is never guaranteed.

The perspective bead is one that is always there, but not always seen. However, let’s make it a prominent bead on our necklaces right now. Let’s be mindful that everyone is in differing stages of how to navigate this new normal. Let’s be diligent in the concept of social distancing to ensure we are all doing our part to stop the COVID-19 spread. Let’s all share in the perspective that while you as an individual may be and remain unscathed by this virus, there are millions who won’t.

So for now, hug the ones you live with, bump elbows with those you greet, stay home if you can, find your silver linings, take care of yourselves, and for the love of god wash your hands.

P.S. No online shopping month has gone completely out the window. These are unprecedented times, and I feel that anything goes right now.